Five Words - Miss Piggy
by Sally Mn
Summary: For a challenge I was given five words and had to write ficlets on each for Miss Piggy. The words were purple, sousaphone, appendicitis, chemistry, and poem... and they turned into a series of little crossovers :)


**Five Words... Miss Piggy**

**Purple - crossed with Blakes 7 **

"Oh come on, First Mate Piggy," the little man whined, trying to hide behind her perfectly formed but way too small self, "be a sport."

"I'll 'sport' you with a karate chop, you twit -"

"You heard Orac - and your Strangepig..."

"Pork."

"What?"

"StrangePORK. Not that _he_ would know."

"Let's not take chances, eh? If that thing breaches your ship's security -"

"What security?" Piggy snorted. "Link's BEWARE OF THE SPACE DOG sign on the doorway?"

Vila opened his mouth, shut it, then unwisely opened it again. "That's all you've got?"

"That's all, wise guy. Just the sign. _Mon Capitan_ is scared of dogs. Anyway, do we know that it's a nasty monster anyway?" Piggy batted her eyelashes at the sparkly brain in a box parked in Hogthrob's chair. "Come one, Oracipoo, tell _moi _the worst, and then First Mate Piggy will save the day - like I always do."

"It should be obvious," the sparkly, and nearly as annoying as Hogthrob, brain in a box snapped. "The monocularism, the single forehead outgrowth, the wings suggesting an ability to at least glide, the colour..."

"You mean -?" Piggy uttered.

"Yes," Orac snapped.

"Is it -?" Vila asked.

"Exactly."

"Can it be -?" Piggy again.

"I'm afraid so. It has to be a -"

"Then lemme at it!" Piggy bounced. "I _will _save the day! I'll karate chop it into intergalactic little bits!"

"One-eyed -"

"I'll tear it into interplanetary shreds!"

"One-horned -"

"I'm dismember it limb from furry limb. _I'm _not scared! Take this, you flying purple people eater -"

"That's because you're not a people!" Vila called - not _too_ loudly - at her as she charged off.

"And she's not correct either."

"Isn't she -?" Vila said warily.

"No, it is NOT a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater," Orac sniffed. "That is ridiculous, there is no such thing."

"But -"

"On the other hand," the rat in a box said, with a touch of smugness, "a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple _porcine _eater..."

Silence... then from a distance...

"HIIII-YAAA! AND HAAA! WHAT THE... ORAC, YOU ROTTEN LITTLE JUNKHEAP, I'LL CHOP YOU INTO SPARKLY... AAAAGGGHHHH! "

**~oOo~**

**Sousaphone (which is a form of bass tuba, similar to the helicon) crossed with... **

"Someone stole my solid gold sousaphone!"

An angry pig whose _embouchure_ had been interrupted is a fearsome thing, but Piggy's hostess merely blinked and smiled, putting her knitting aside. "Yes, it was wicked - quite wonderfully wicked of them... but you can understand it."

"Understand it? I'll blast them into semi-demi-pieces, I'll make 'em wish they were deaf, I'll wrap that sousaphone round their scrawny necks and -"

"That's very sweet of you, dear, but the children shouldn't be rewarded. It's just that darling Uncle Deadly - you know him, of course -"

"Yeah, he's the resident creep!"

"_So _kind of you to say so... Uncle Deadly mentioned your skill with the instrument in his letter to the children. You should be flattered, my dear, he was most impressed."

Piggy preened a little. "Well, of course, everyone was stunned by my brilliance, my vitueositude, the dazzling style of _moi_ and _moi_'sinstrument..."

"So Uncle Deadly said, the a dear, dastardly soul that he is. But when we heard that your horn-playing was almost enough to - what was it Uncle Deadly said? - _raise the dead,_" her hostess beamed at her, "of course the children - so naughty but understandable - thought they could do rather better than _almost_." Morticia picked up the knitting and examined it. "Tell me, Miss Piggy, do you think this sweater would make a nice welcome present for any newly raised that they find?"

**(...Yep, The Addams Family.)**

**~oOo~**

**Appendicitis (crossed with Stargate SG1) **

"... the continuing _stooooory_ of a quack who's gone to the dogs..."

"Look," the scrumptious (and interesting pallid) Doctor Jackson said faintly, peeking at them from under the green sheet, "I don't think this is at all needed, I'm feeling much bett-ahaaahhhh!"

Nurse Piggy hastily put down the high-heeled porky sparkly shoe she had been balancing on him to adjust, and beamed at him. "Au contraire, Dannneeeee! You are sick. You have acute appendicitis, and cute as it is -"

"It still has to come out!" A gruff voice from the other room bellowed.

The patient winced from the pain, and again - and more - at the joke. "That's a... very bad joke," he panted.

"Laugh it up," Nurse Piggy said brightly, "these are the only jokes you're getting!"

"Really." Oddly, that didn't seem to amuse him. "And the only doctor -?"

"He's every bit as good as the jokes," Nurse Janice offered.

"Uhh..." Doctor Jackson tried to sit up, and failed. "Perhaps I should wait till my own doctor gets here -"

"Oh no, he's not that bad -"

"Wanna bet?" Nurse Piggy muttered.

"He saved six patients this week!"

"By operating?"

"By not operating!"

"...Uhh, okay. And the ones he operated on?"

Both nurses were silent.

"Look, I feel fine." Doctor Jackson tried to sit up again. "I'll just head out to the mountain and -"

"And here comes Doctor Bob!"

The gruff voice was warbling - badly. "The thigh bone's connected to the back bone, the back bone's..."

Nurse Janice rolled her eyes. "How can he sing at a time like this?"

"He's not singing A Time Like This," Nurse Piggy struck a pose, "he's singing Dem Bones!"

Both nurses collapsed in laughter - right across the patient, who choked and squeaked. "I'll wait for Doctor Janet!"

"Just lie down, patient of _moi_'s dreams, and let us do the worrying." Nurse Piggy pushed him down. "You won't feel a thing."

"That's what I'm afraid of..."

**~oOo~**

**Chemistry (crossed with Criminal Minds) **

Doctor Reid blinked at the 'crime scene' (at least forty parts of his enormous brain trying out different reasons _why _anyone would and/or _could _commit murder with perfume bottles, and another fifty working on profile of all too many people - or puppets, as the case may be - who might) and sniffed.

"You know what that is?" Someone asked skeptically.

"Yes. Active ingredients..." he thought for a moment, "Let's see... Diethyl malonate, geranyl acetate, methyl chavicol, isobornyl cyclohexanol, 2-phenylethanol, hexyl cinnamaldehyde, 4-phenyl-2-butanone... and hydroxymethylpentylcyclohexe necarboxaldehyde. Oh, and musk. Maybe."

There was total silence for a moment.

"You can tell all of those?" The same someone said finally, faintly.

"Umm, no. I just read the label once."

"The label?"

"Of the perfume. It's the same perfume my colleague uses. _So Swinely Moi..._" He blinked again, and looked back at his team. Or rather, _one new member_ of his team.

Special Agent Piggy sighed happily. "I do luuuurve it when you talk sexy chemistry, Doctor Gorgeousitude..."

**~oOo~**

**Poem (crossed with Magnificent 7) **

"Sooooooo..." Piggy twirled her parasol, batted her lashes, jiggled her bustle just a little, and tried to simper at the really rather scrumptious - if scruffy - young tracker sprawled comfortably on the steps. "You write countrified poetry as well as look pretty... pretty?"

Vin stared at her with narrowed (but _parbleu_ how blue eyes) for a moment, then let one word drop.

"Yup."

"You wrote that _cuuuuuuute_ poem about heroes?"

Another silence.

"Yup."

"That's so _woooonderful. Everyone _knows how it speaks to sensitive souls like _vou_ and _moi..."_

"What?"

Piggy blinked at him, and jiggled some more. "You'n me."

"Oh."

Another silence.

"So, _mon cherie_, when do you need a new muse?"

"Don't need no fancy things like muses."

"Methinks thou doth protest too much." He just looked at her. "Shakespeare. Or Bacon."

Vin shrugged.

"_Certainement, _every _artiste _needs a muse, and I'm just the pig for it. There's no one better than _moi_ to inspire a man, as sooo many men - and pigs - and frogs - will tell you." Piggy turned her best sultry, flirty, hammy look on him. "What could be more inspiring than a gorgeous, sexy, sylph-like beauty?"

Vin thought about it. "M'horse?"

"Watch it, buster." The sexy, sylph-like - if porky - beauty growled at him. "I'm a black belt in parasol pinking, you know. So are you going to write a tour de forcefulity all about _moi_, or am I gonna have to pummel inspiration into you?"

Silence.

"Mebbe."

"Pretty?"

"'An' mebbe not. Need th'right words."

"Oh oh oh, I can help, I can think of words! I can!" Piggy jiggled again, and twirled the parasol faster. "What beautiful, charming, alluring, unforgettable and totally _moi_ words do you need?"

Vin stared at her for yet another long, long moment, then twitched his lips in what might have passed for a grin, and spoke laconically. "Y'got any ideas on what rhymes with...

"...Cracklin'?"

**-the end-**


End file.
